


All You Do Is Feel

by Justme_iguess



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Heavy Angst, Hurts So Good, M/M, Other, Pain, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 16:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12708246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justme_iguess/pseuds/Justme_iguess
Summary: She was just so there, and now she's just so gone.





	All You Do Is Feel

Juno is drunk.

 

He's so drunk that he can't feel anything on his body.

 

Juno is high.

 

He's so high that he feels like when he talks, its coming out of his shoelaces, and everything is moving.

 

But somehow it still just isn't enough. He can still remember Rita, because she wore so many bright colors. She was always loud, and now the absence is so large. It feels like he's gone deaf in one ear, because everything is just so dull now.

 

She was just so there, and now she's just so gone.

 

Juno grabs hold of the lamppost and sways and sways and sways. He looks at his watch, _3:45._ He's right on time for the funeral.

 

The concrete is coming closer.

 

"Oh, Juno, you can't go in there like this." Peter catches him in his long arms.

 

Juno flails and pushes him away. " _Don't touch me._ " his head lolls, and he holds onto the lamppost to pull himself back up.

 

Peter looks back down at him, and he can see the moment where his heart breaks. Juno doesn't _fucking care_. He doesn't care that his boyfriend is in pain, because all he can do is feel how bad this fucking hurts. He can't go in there. He can't see her plump body in a pretty dress, her cold, dead body. So different from the warmth of when she would hold him after a particularly long case. "I can't. I just-I can't go in there." he slurs. "But I gotta, Peter. 'm sorry. She's my friend."

 

Peter lifts his chin, so that they can see each other eye-to-eye. He seems to analyze the smaller man for a second. Maybe he realizes that Juno really does need to at least show up. If not for Rita, then at least for himself. "Come on then, up you get!"

 

He hoists himself up, and stumbles into his arms. He looks up at those four sweeping steps, and thinks that they'll be the hardest in his life. Peter helps him up them, though, and then leads him to the pews. He sits there, his buzz creating what feels like a green tinge.

 

The words that people say are constricting. He's shaking so hard that his muscles hurt.

 

"Do you want to go see her?"

 

He can't breathe. He is wheezing, his brain skipping. His arms are wrapped around himself tightly.

 

"Juno, did you hear me?"

 

His still shaking, and he can feel the salty wetness of tears streaming down his face. He _should have been there_ , not in his office with Peter, but with her. _It was instant_ says the police report on the car crash.

 

"Juno, are you alright?"

 

But what the hell even is instant? Instant noodles takes five minutes. Instant pudding takes an hour. So how long would it take? He doubts five seconds would feel very instant. Or even half of a second. How long of an eternity did it take of fear, and unrelenting pain until she finally died.

 

" _Juno._ " he feels a hand touch his shoulder, and he jumps a little at the sudden contact. Those bright eyes are looking down at him with worry.

 

He sucks in a shallow breath. "P-peter, can we go? Can't do this. Lets go. We have t' leave now." his crying so much, and god there is so much pain right now.

 

Soon they're back outside, and in Peter's car. "Juno, are you alright?"

 

He lets out a wry, ugly, sob-filled laugh, turning his head towards the ceiling. "How the _fuck_ would I be okay right now, N'reyev?"

 

He remembers painting her nails. Her cries as she watched a scary film. She was so loud, so there, so very _alive_ _._ She's the type person that was always warm. Her hands, that he remembers wiping away alcohol from his lips and neck after a particularly bad night, and " _its alright mistah Steel, I've got you."_ she kissed his forehead like the sister she made herself out to be, and bandaged the cuts on his arms. She smiled at him through her tears like she was telling him that things were going to be okay. Rita hugged him, her floral scent filling his nose, and her warmth invading how terrible he felt.

 

"-ll over, pull over, 'm gonna throw up."

 

Thank god that they are on a less busy street, because as soon as the car stopped, Juno falls on his hands and knees, and wretches the remnants of vodka, beer, and whiskey. He vomits until he's  dry heaving, and Peter holds back his hair until he's  sobbing on the ground. Juno chokes on his spit, and punches the concrete. 

 

"Lets get you home now, hm, detective?" his voice sounds sympathetic. He picks Juno by his arms, and pushes him back into the passenger's seat.

 

"This 's so _shitty_ _."_ Juno slurs through his tears. He lets his head fall onto the passenger seat, turned on his side. "I wanna talk t' _Rita._ She makes ev'rything 'lright."

 

"I know, Juno dear, but that just can't happen now."

 

Juno chokes hard on sobs until he's too worn out and depressed to cry anymore.

 

He sniffles, letting the passing streetlights doze him into sleep. He can feel what's left of his tears as he does. Dreaming doesn't seem to he on the menu tonight. The day today is too filled. Its... Sticky. It clings to the back of his mind even while he's high, and his drunken state tries to wash away all of his pain.

 

When he drifts back, he can feel his feet bobbing as Peter carries him all bridal style. His head is against Peter's chest, and he feels so warm. This is not a luxury he should have, and yet, he can't seem to bring himself to stand back up. Juno just presses his face into his lover's coat and tries to disappear.


End file.
